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If you read it anyplace else, it's not Really Legal!
Zick Rubin’s columns on the lighter side of publishing and intellectual property law.
The Modern Paper Chase
Dear College Senior:
Thank you for your interest in Really Legal Law School. In considering whether Really Legal Law School is right for you, forget the rankings in U.S. News and World Report or anyplace else. All they show is whether other law school deans have heard of us - and they're all old fogeys anyway. What you want is a law school that understands the future and your place in it. That's us.
At most law schools you will be forced to take courses in outmoded topics like contracts, property, civil procedure, even something called "torts." Believe it or not, some of these subjects are over a hundred years old!
At Really Legal, we steer clear of all that. Instead, we have introduced an entirely new curriculum that will prepare you for the exciting challenges of the 21st century. Here are some of the courses that we are proudest of:
Legal Issues in Biotechnology — Human cloning is likely to be here before you graduate (especially at the rate some of our students are going)! This course will tell you what you need to know to practice in this vital new field. Who owns the property rights to discarded fingernail clippings? If you create a Kobe Bryant clone from a discarded fingernail clipping and use the clone to endorse sneakers, will people still pay $250 for a pair?
Microsoft(R) Law — This new course replaces all our previous offerings in corporate law and antitrust law. All students enrolling in this course must show up with a laptop equipped with Windows 98(R) and Microsoft Explorer(R). Microsoft is a registered trademark of the Microsoft Corporation. Copyright in the whole course is owned by the Microsoft Corporation. No student enrolled in this course may enroll in any other course without the prior written permission of the Microsoft Corporation.
Publishing Law — This course explores cutting-edge issues of publishing law, like how to write legal potboilers while sitting around waiting for your case to be called and how to get Matt Damon for the movie even before you start writing. Assigned reading includes works of Turow, Grisham, Patterson, Meltzer, Martini, Tanenbaum and a bunch of "Ally McBeal" scripts.
Setting Up a Profitable Practice — How to reduce office overhead in the new millennium by drafting pleadings in furniture showrooms, meeting clients in coffee shops and using a voice mail message that includes a directory of extension numbers to make people think that you actually work in a large firm.
Exploiting the Year 2000 Problem — Get prepared to board the litigation bandwagon on Jan. 1, 2000, when millions of computers will think that "00" means 1900 and proceed to wreak havoc. Learn how to pin practically everything, from aborted stock trades to stalled elevators, on negligent programming.
Creative New Approaches to Dispute Resolution — Litigation, mediation, arbitration and similar stuff have been tried for years and, frankly, they don't work very well. They are mostly talk, talk, talk. Our course deals with new approaches to resolving disputes that are quick and easy and really work: coin-flipping, avoiding the whole thing by going on vacation and, most fun of all, jousting.
I only wish that when I went to law school I could have taken courses like these, instead of having to memorize the rule against perpetuities.
If you are interested in going to Really Legal Law School, e-mail the completed application form right away. Remember: If you go anywhere else, it isn't Really Legal.
Williston Prosser, Dean
Copyright © 1998 by Zick Rubin